Where’s the peanut butter?!

I know that at Microsoft everybody is constantly struggling to hit tough deadlines, but there is one place where I beseech my coworkers to plan ahead so that no corners need be cut. Of course, I’m talking about getting your ass over the toilet before dropping the payload. It is staggering how often engineers fall short on this ubiquitous and prosaic task.

Oh no - I di’nt.

Oh yes, I did. The floodgates have broken and I have what could be called a shitstorm of complaints about the low commitment to quality in the mens bathroom in 36/4.

First, the four urinals and their orientation. The urinals are laid out such that there is never an optimal urinal to choose. As you enter the bathroom, the first urinal is tall and partially obscured, the next two are tall and in plain sight, and the fourth is short (a “kids” urinal). Every urinal user obeys a few unspoken rules governing selection of your urinal. Preference should be given to (1) urinals that which are not adjacent to occupied urinals, (2) tall urinals, and (3) the selection should be done with as deliberately and quickly as possible, without careful contemplation to decide “Where would you like to pee today?” The first urinal, being tall and having only one adjacent urinal, would normally be given greatest preference, however since it is obscured, you can’t tell whether it is occupied without basically selecting it. If it’s open, score! But if it’s occupied you are awkwardly pigeonholed into reconsidering your selection (violating preference rule (3)) and possibly winding up in the second urinal, violating preference rule (1). The second and third urinals are poor choices because they have two adjacent urinals, increasing the chances that the next bathroom visitor will wind up next to you, and the fourth urinal is short. OK, so there is no optimal urinal. That’s a drag. The actual use of the urinals is, sadly, equally unpleasant. There appears to be a practical joker in the building who has labeled the shampoo dispensers in our shared locker rooks “pubic shampoo” and replaced the gel with Nair. There can be no other worldly explanation for the regular and abundant shedding all over the urinals. Are you grossed out yet? Good! You may have the quick learning skills that will aid you when you flush the urinals on my floor and realize that if you don’t move as quickly as possible away from the toilets and towards the sink, you will engulfed in the flush cloud from the overcompensating water pressure. But since you think on your toes, you might dodge that one!

My bus is about at my stop so unfortunately (?) I can’t go into the stalls (except for the brief introductory note, which is really just where it starts) or the sinks (which, thankfully, are only a little annoying and not remarkably nauseous). I’ll save that review for another day…